36 Questions To Ask Your Partner That Lead To Love
By Remy Meraz • August 4, 2024
Introduction: Discovering the 36 Questions
The Origin of the 36 Questions
Have you ever wondered if there's a scientifically proven way to build intimacy and potentially fall in love with someone? In the 1990s, a social psychology study introduced the concept of 36 questions designed to create interpersonal closeness. This experiment, published in the Social Psychology Bulletin, explored how deep, personal questions could lead to love by fostering self-disclosure and emotional connection.
Purpose of the 36 Questions
The 36 questions aim to help individuals get to know each other in as much detail as possible, sharing life stories, treasured memories, and even embarrassing moments. By asking these questions, you open the door to vulnerability, creating a space for affection to play a crucial role in building intimacy. Whether you're looking to strengthen a new relationship or deepen an existing one, these questions can guide you through meaningful conversations that touch on everything from your most terrible memory to your greatest accomplishment.
The process involves asking your partner questions that reveal personal problems, secret hunches, and even what qualities they value in a close friend. By alternating sharing and reflecting on each other's responses, you both engage in reciprocal self-disclosure, which has been shown to enhance feelings of closeness and connection.
Hook the Reader
Imagine this: You're sitting with your partner, and you start asking questions that delve into their most treasured memories, their views on what constitutes a perfect day, and even who they would want as a dinner guest if they could invite anyone in the world. As you share your answers, you notice the room feeling warmer, your connection deeper. The 36 questions aren't just a list; they're a journey into each other's lives, a way to understand your partner's world and allow them into yours.
In the next sections, we'll explore how these questions work, the research behind them, and how you can use them to build a stronger, more intimate relationship. Get ready to discover how 36 simple questions can lead to love.
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How Do the 36 Questions Work?
The Structure of the Questions
The 36 questions are divided into three sets, each designed to gradually deepen the level of intimacy between partners. The questions start with lighter, more superficial topics and progressively move towards more personal and profound subjects. This structure helps build trust and comfort, allowing both individuals to share as much detail about their lives as they feel comfortable with.
In the initial set, you might discuss topics such as "What would constitute a perfect day for you?" or "If you could invite anyone in the world to dinner, who would it be?" These questions set the stage for deeper connection by revealing interests and aspirations.
As you move to the second set, the questions become more personal, touching on life stories, treasured memories, and even asking, "What's your most terrible memory?" or "Tell your partner something you've never shared with anyone." These prompts encourage vulnerability and self-disclosure, essential elements for fostering intimacy.
The final set delves into deep questions about personal beliefs and values, such as "If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?" and "When did you last cry in front of another person?" These questions are designed to uncover the core of who you are, promoting a sense of closeness and understanding.
Research Behind the Questions
The concept of the 36 questions originated from a study published in the Social Psychology Bulletin. Researchers found that asking deep, personal questions can significantly increase interpersonal closeness between individuals. This method relies on reciprocal self-disclosure, where both partners share personal information and reflect back on each other's responses, fostering a sense of connection and empathy.
The study revealed that sharing personal experiences, such as an embarrassing moment or a treasured memory, helps build a foundation of trust and intimacy. This is because discussing significant life events and feelings promotes a deeper understanding of one another's emotional world.
Moreover, the research highlighted that structured, meaningful conversations play a crucial role in forming new relationships and enhancing existing ones. By engaging in this process, partners can develop a greater appreciation for each other's positive characteristics and build a stronger emotional bond.
In summary, the 36 questions work by gradually guiding individuals through a journey of self-disclosure and mutual reflection, ultimately leading to a deeper, more intimate connection.
Do the 36 Questions to Fall in Love Work?
Success Stories
Many couples who have tried the 36 questions have reported positive outcomes, often leading to stronger connections and even love. The process of sharing as much detail as possible about your life story, including moments like your most terrible memory or your most treasured memory, fosters a deep bond. People have found that these questions help create a room feeling warm with trust and understanding, where both partners can feel safe to open up.
A notable success story involves a couple who, after going through the 36 questions, discovered they had developed feelings that led to love. Their journey began with lighter questions and gradually moved to more intimate topics, such as sharing an embarrassing moment or asking each other's advice on personal problems. This journey of self-disclosure helped them become close friends and eventually, life partners.
Scientific Basis
The scientific foundation for the 36 questions is robust, rooted in the principles of social psychology. Research published in the Social Psychology Bulletin has shown that engaging in structured, meaningful conversations can significantly enhance interpersonal closeness. The 36 questions facilitate this by encouraging reciprocal self-disclosure, where partners alternately share personal stories and reflect on each other's experiences.
For instance, questions like "If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?" or "When did you last cry in front of another person?" promote deep conversations that are scientifically proven to build intimacy. The process is designed to help partners reveal their inner worlds, including their greatest accomplishments and secret hunches, fostering a strong emotional connection.
Moreover, the act of asking and answering these questions can simulate the natural progression of a relationship, making it feel more authentic. As partners navigate through these deep questions, they develop a greater understanding and appreciation for each other's positive characteristics, ultimately leading to a more profound and loving relationship.
How to Use the 36 Questions
Setting the Right Environment
To get the most out of the 36 questions, it's crucial to create a comfortable and private setting. Choose a quiet room where you won't be interrupted, and make sure the atmosphere is relaxed and conducive to open conversation. Dim lighting or soft music can help set a warm, intimate room feeling. This setting encourages partners to share as much detail as possible about their lives, from their life story to their most treasured memory.
Ensuring Honest and Open Communication
For the 36 questions to be effective, both partners need to engage in honest and open communication. This means being willing to share personal thoughts and feelings, even if they include a most terrible memory or an embarrassing moment. It's also essential to listen actively and empathetically to your partner, providing thoughtful responses and reflecting back what you've heard. Asking for your partner's advice on a personal problem or sharing your secret hunch about the future can foster deeper understanding and connection.
By creating the right environment and practicing open communication, the 36 questions can lead to love and a closer, more intimate relationship.
Ask the Questions in Order
Importance of Sequence
Asking the 36 questions in their intended order is crucial for gradually building intimacy. The sequence is designed to start with lighter, more general topics and progress to deeper, more personal ones. This structured approach helps both partners feel comfortable and open up as the conversation unfolds. For example, beginning with a question like, "If you could invite anyone in the world to dinner, who would it be?" sets the stage for deeper questions about life stories and treasured memories later on.
Building Trust and Vulnerability
Following the order of the 36 questions fosters trust and vulnerability, essential components for deepening relationships. Starting with simpler questions helps partners ease into sharing more personal aspects of their lives, such as their most terrible memory or an embarrassing moment. As the questions become more intimate, like asking about a personal problem or a secret hunch, partners are encouraged to reveal as much detail as they feel comfortable with. This gradual increase in vulnerability can lead to a stronger emotional bond and interpersonal closeness, making it easier for both partners to fall in love.
By adhering to the sequence, you can ensure a smoother and more meaningful journey towards intimacy and connection.
Set One: The Initial Questions
Sample Questions
The first set of questions in the 36 questions to get to know someone are designed to ease you into more profound conversations. Here are a few examples:
- If you could invite anyone in the world to dinner, who would it be?
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
- What would constitute a perfect day for you?
- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year
Set Two: Deepening the Connection
Sample Questions
In the second set, the questions begin to explore more intimate and personal aspects of each other’s lives. Here are some examples:
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
Expected Outcomes
This set of questions is designed to deepen the emotional connection and trust between partners by encouraging them to share more vulnerable and personal stories. By discussing treasured and terrible memories, partners can understand the significant moments that have shaped each other’s lives. Questions about future aspirations and regrets provide insights into each other’s dreams and values.
These conversations often involve self-disclosure, where partners alternately share and reflect on personal experiences. This reciprocal self-disclosure fosters a sense of intimacy and empathy, as partners learn about each other’s most cherished memories and significant life events. For example, sharing a story about a family member whose death would deeply affect them, or recalling an accomplishment they are proud of, allows partners to appreciate each other’s values and emotional experiences.
The result is a stronger bond, with partners feeling more connected and supportive of each other. This deeper connection is crucial for building a lasting relationship, as it lays the foundation for mutual understanding and respect.
Set Three: Establishing Intimacy
Sample Questions
The final set of questions is designed to establish deep intimacy and a strong emotional connection. Here are some examples:
- Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
- If you were to die suddenly this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
- Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your most embarrassing moment?
Expected Outcomes
This set is designed to bring out the deepest feelings and thoughts, encouraging partners to share aspects of their lives that are often kept private. Questions about regrets, personal problems, and family losses require a high level of trust and vulnerability. For example, discussing a personal problem and asking for your partner's advice can reveal much about each other's problem-solving styles and emotional resilience.
As partners alternate sharing and reflecting on their answers, they practice sustained eye contact and empathetic listening, which are crucial for building emotional intimacy. This self-disclosure process helps partners understand each other's values, fears, and desires on a profound level. Sharing a treasured memory or an embarrassing moment can also highlight the positive characteristics that each partner values in the other, reinforcing the bond of affection.
By the end of this set, partners often feel a significant increase in closeness and connection. They have shared their life stories, revealed personal aspects of their lives, and built a foundation of trust and understanding. This deeper intimacy can lead to stronger, more resilient relationships, where both partners feel seen, heard, and valued for who they truly are.
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Benefits of Using the 36 Questions
Greater Vulnerability
One of the primary benefits of using the 36 questions is the opportunity for greater vulnerability. By sharing intimate details such as a most embarrassing moment or discussing personal problems and asking for your partner’s advice, you allow yourself to be open and honest. This vulnerability fosters a deep emotional connection, as both partners reveal aspects of their lives that are usually kept private. For example, sharing how you would make a final dash to save a treasured item if your house catches fire, or discussing the loss of a family member whose death would be deeply disturbing, can bring you closer together.
Enhanced Communication
The 36 questions also enhance communication between partners. As you engage in alternate sharing and reflect on each other's responses, you practice sustained eye contact and active listening. This process of self-disclosure helps you understand your partner’s positive characteristics and values. Discussing scenarios like what a crystal ball could tell you about the future or sharing moments of your life story can improve your ability to communicate effectively and empathetically. This enhanced communication strengthens your relationship, making it easier to navigate challenges and celebrate accomplishments together.
By fostering greater vulnerability and enhanced communication, the 36 questions can lead to deeper, more meaningful connections in your relationship.
Other Ways to Build Intimacy
Alternative Activities
While the 36 questions are a powerful tool for building intimacy, there are other activities that can also enhance your connection with your partner. Participating in shared hobbies or interests, such as cooking together, playing sports, or taking up a new hobby, can create opportunities for bonding and affection play. Engaging in activities that require teamwork and cooperation, like solving puzzles or building something together, can help you understand and appreciate each other's positive characteristics and strengths.
Additionally, having regular, meaningful conversations about your lives, aspirations, and challenges can strengthen your bond. This could involve discussing your life story, your greatest accomplishments, or even sharing a moment when you had to make a final dash to save something important to you. These discussions foster self-disclosure and deeper understanding.
Combining Methods for Best Results
Combining different methods can yield the best results for building intimacy. For example, you might start with the 36 questions to get to know each other on a deeper level and then complement this with regular date nights or weekend getaways to create lasting memories. Activities like sustained eye contact exercises, where you simply sit and look into each other's eyes, can enhance feelings of closeness and trust.
Incorporating elements of self-disclosure and alternate sharing into your daily interactions can also be beneficial. For instance, take turns asking each other about your day and reflect back what you’ve heard to ensure you’re truly understanding and connecting. This approach can help build a strong foundation of empathy and support.
By exploring various activities and combining them with the 36 questions, you can create a multifaceted approach to building and maintaining intimacy in your relationship, ultimately leading to a deeper, more fulfilling connection.
Potential Follow-Up Questions
Questions to Deepen Understanding
After going through the 36 questions, you might want to continue building on the intimacy you've established. Follow-up questions can help deepen your understanding of each other. For instance, you could ask, "Can you tell me more about a moment in your life that you consider transformative?" or "What positive characteristic do you admire most in yourself?" These questions encourage further self-disclosure and allow you to explore aspects of each other's lives that you may not have touched on initially.
Keeping the Conversation Going
To maintain the momentum of your deep conversations, it's important to keep the dialogue open and flowing. You might ask, "What is something you’ve always wanted to ask me but never did?" or "How do you feel our relationship has grown since we started sharing more?" These questions can help keep the conversation dynamic and engaging. Additionally, discussing future or anything else you’re both passionate about can reinforce your bond.
Incorporating these follow-up questions into your regular interactions ensures that you continue to build and strengthen your connection, fostering a relationship filled with love and affection play, and deep understanding.
By regularly engaging in meaningful conversations and asking thoughtful follow-up questions, you can maintain and enhance the intimacy in your relationship.
Frequently Asked Questions
Addressing Common Concerns
One common concern about the 36 questions is whether they can truly lead to love and intimacy. While the questions are designed to foster deep self-disclosure and understanding, it's important to remember that the process also relies on the willingness of both partners to be open and vulnerable. Another concern might be about the potential awkwardness of sharing deeply personal information, such as a most terrible memory or an embarrassing moment. It's crucial to create a safe and supportive environment where both partners feel comfortable sharing.
Tips for Best Results
To get the best results from the 36 questions, consider these tips:
- Set the Right Environment: Choose a quiet and comfortable setting where you won't be interrupted.
- Practice Active Listening: Show genuine interest in your partner’s responses and reflect back on what they share.
- Be Patient: Allow the conversation to flow naturally, without rushing through the questions.
- Be Honest: Share your thoughts and feelings openly, even if they include difficult topics like personal problems or fears.
- Follow-Up: Use follow-up questions to delve deeper into your partner’s responses and maintain the connection.
By addressing common concerns and following these tips, you can maximize the benefits of the 36 questions, fostering greater intimacy and understanding in your relationship.
Sorry: There Aren’t Any Shortcuts to Finding Love in This Article
The Reality of Building Relationships
While the 36 questions can significantly help build intimacy and connection, it’s essential to understand that there are no shortcuts to finding love. Building a meaningful relationship requires consistent effort, patience, and dedication. Sharing your life story, discussing a moment in your life when you faced significant challenges, or revealing a most embarrassing moment are just steps in a long journey. These questions are tools to facilitate deeper conversations and understanding, but genuine affection and closeness develop over time through shared experiences and mutual support.
Long-Term Benefits of Effort
Investing time and effort into your relationship brings long-term benefits. Regularly engaging in self-disclosure and affection play can strengthen the bond between partners. For instance, asking your partner’s advice on personal problems or reflecting on significant life events, like a moment when everything you own catches fire and you have to make a final dash to save something precious, builds a foundation of trust and empathy.
Moreover, the process of alternate sharing and active listening fosters sustained emotional connections. As partners learn more about each other’s positive characteristics and personal experiences, they develop a deeper appreciation and respect for one another. The effort you put into understanding and supporting your partner, whether it's through discussing future plans or reflecting on your relationship with your mother, can lead to a more fulfilling and lasting relationship.
Remember, the journey to finding love and building a strong relationship is ongoing. There are no quick fixes, but the rewards of your efforts are well worth it, leading to a deep and enduring connection.
Closer Connection: Final Thoughts
Recap of Benefits
The 36 questions offer a unique and scientifically proven method to build intimacy and strengthen your relationship. By encouraging self-disclosure and open communication, these questions help partners share their life stories, reveal positive characteristics, and discuss deeply personal topics, such as their most treasured memory or a personal problem. This process fosters a sense of trust, empathy, and mutual understanding, leading to a closer connection and stronger emotional bond.
Encouragement to Try the Questions
If you haven’t already, consider trying the 36 questions with your partner. Whether you’re in a new relationship or looking to deepen an existing one, these questions can facilitate meaningful conversations and help you discover more about each other. Take the time to ask your partner’s advice, share an embarrassing moment, or discuss future aspirations. The experience of affection play and sustained eye contact can lead to a deeper, more fulfilling relationship.
Remember, building a close connection requires effort and vulnerability, but the rewards are well worth it. Embrace the journey of getting to know your partner on a deeper level and enjoy the process of growing closer together.
Conclusion: Embracing the Journey to Intimacy
Final Words of Advice
Building a close relationship takes time, effort, and a willingness to be vulnerable. The 36 questions provide a structured way to foster interpersonal closeness and can lead to love. By engaging in these deep, meaningful conversations, you and your partner can develop a stronger emotional bond. Remember, there are no shortcuts to falling in love; it's about the journey of getting to know each other on a profound level.
Invitation to Share Experiences
We encourage you to try the 36 questions with your partner and embrace the journey to intimacy. Share your experiences and let us know how these questions have impacted your relationship. Your stories can inspire others to explore the path to close relationships and deeper connections. Together, let's celebrate the beautiful process of falling in love.
Read more about: Healthy Relationships
About Remy Meraz
Remy Meraz, co-founder, and CEO of Zella Life, is a visionary leader who leveraged corporate glass ceiling challenges as a woman of color to drive systemic change.
While leading and cultivating high-performance teams from VC-backed startups to Fortune 500, she consistently faced obstacles such as inadequate mentorship, lack of psychological safety, and non-personalized training. Taking matters into her own hands, she turned to executive coaching and NLP training. This life-changing growth experience led to breaking leadership barriers and a passion for cognitive psychology.
Motivated by her experiences, she co-founded Zella Life, an innovative AI-driven coaching platform bridging the talent development gap by enhancing soft skills and emotional intelligence (EQ) in the workplace.
Her vision with Zella Life is to transform professional development into an inclusive and impactful journey, focused on the distinct needs of both individuals and organizations. She aims to promote advancement and culture change by ensuring every professional's growth is acknowledged and supported.
Today, Remy is recognized as an influential innovator, trainer, mentor, and business leader. Under her leadership, Zella Life has delivered significant measurable outcomes for numerous well-known brands. This track record of positive outcomes garnered attention and funding from Google for Startups and Pledge LA, establishing Zella Life as a pivotal force in the learning and development arena tackling and resolving fundamental talent development issues for organizations of all sizes.
